When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants