What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.