I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
paddle faster i hear baby shark