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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
When your parents check you’re ok.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.