flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’