shampoo implies shampee
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house