We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
You Might Also Like
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
#SaturdayBears
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.