ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.