Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her