if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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that de-escalated quickly
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.