seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y鈥檃ll are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she鈥檚 EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
One minute you鈥檙e young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
It鈥檚 probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I鈥檓 going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day