There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I think my mom just blocked me
Me My dog
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.