my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I found your tweet-up…
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man