“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.