Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no