ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Raisins are grape jerky.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.