U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
🍞🦆
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.