I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop