“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
New tinder profile pic
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.