[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Death certificates are our last participation award.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Meowchelangelo
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.