How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Some people were born into their job.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.