This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.