*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
You Might Also Like
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
$3 #books
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Legend 🤣🤣
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My Plans 2020
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]