If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.