what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.