Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The hardest thing Vision has to do
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The two types of wives
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore