The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m giving up for Lent.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*