I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
The second world war should have been called world war returns
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.