If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam