THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”