She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.