give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.