I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test