Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
This is the coolest video you will see today.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves