[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job