Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”