behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.