DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.