Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like