Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
How is it still this week?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.