Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
yeet
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice