*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
are they though??
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it