When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.