Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Just a reminder, folks:
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.