dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!