In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
This is my pinned tweet
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us