IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
We need more people like this.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card