It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
If you know, you know
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.