I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing