If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing